Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Pot? What pot?

I've spent the last several evenings arresting drunk people driving boats. Of course, I always stumble on them as I'm on my way back to my vehicle to head home for the night. Two nights ago I had an especially interesting one. He was not only drunk...but also high.

Here is a list of things this gem said to me throughout the evening.

1. "Pot? What pot?"
"The pot that I quite plainly smell right now. Where is it?"
"I don't have any pot. Do you guys have any pot?"

2. "Pleeeeaaaase? I'm already in enough trouble out here. Can you please pretend you didn't see the pot?"
"What do you mean you are already in enough trouble out here?"
"Two weeks ago some lady said that I raped her. It was a misunderstanding."

3. "How much did you smoke?"
"I didn't smoke anything."
"I'm not stupid. How much did you smoke?"
"I didn't smoke anything."
"Open your mouth so I can see your tongue....thank you...that's what I thought. How much did you smoke?"
"Maybe one hit."

4. "Is there anyone you can call to come and load up your boat? We are going downtown, so someone needs to take possession of your boat. Who can you call?"
"I could call my wife, but she is still mad at me about the rape."

5. "You are under arrest for Boating While Intoxicated. If you are going to be decent with me, I'll cuff you in the front for the ride."
"Wow, I feel like a seal. These are great flippers!" (as he claps his cuffed hands together).

6. "Can you pleeeeaaase turn on the lights and sirens? This is the worst night of my life, at least you can make it a little more fun for me."

7. "My nipples are hard. Can you turn down the air?"
"Unless you want my nipples to be hard."
"No thanks"

8. "And I'm not going to say anything about women drivers. That would be a bad idea right now. So I'm not going to say one thing about bad women drivers. By the way, why couldn't Helen Keller drive?"
"Because she was a woman! Ha Ha Ha!"
"Didn't you think that was funny? Even a little bit?"
"I guess not. Sorry."

9. "Come to think of it I don't think I smoked any of that weed."

10. "This is a Drug Recognition Expert. He is here to run you through some tests to see how much the drugs are affecting your body."
"What drugs?"
He fails each test miserably until finally he says,
"Ok, I don't want to do any more tests. You have already looked at my eyes enough"
DRE: "Sir, we only have about 2 more minutes to go in these tests. We would appreciate it if you would just finish it up."
"Well....alright. I guess you probably know by now that I haven't smoked anything anyway. Go ahead and finish."

11. "I was fired last week because my boss said I have a bad attitude and that all I care about is boating."
"You sure it wasn't for getting arrested and charged with rape?"
"Could've been that too."

12. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be used against you in a court of law..."
"That is what got me into trouble with the rape. I told the truth."

Uh huh-That was about four hours of my life I will never get back. Is it hunting season yet? Pleeeaaase?


  1. Very funny! Another great blog post. Your experiences in the field that you have posted about have sure opened my eyes some. This guy seems like your typical, confused, pot head.

  2. That's hysterical until you think about this guy behind the wheel of a boat. Good work.

  3. LOL , love it! I found you through Mel's blog and I've really enjoyed reading some of your "War" stories. Keep up the good work :)

    I have a lot of respect for what you do , I'll buy you a cold beer if we ever cross paths.

  4. Water, boats, booze and drugs just don't work well together.

  5. Excellent blog. Great stuff,love reading it.

  6. Are you guys hiring?

    great post as always...great way to start the day!

  7. Hahaha, that's funny.

  8. When did they make pot smoking in Maine illegal? AND when did wardens start checking out people's tongues? This world is going down hill fast, next thing you know it will no longer be legal to drink and drive as long as you have a plow attached to the front of your vehicle.

  9. I don't know about Maine, but it certainly isn't legal in my state! You make a good point- it is kind of sad that game wardens need to check people's tongues for heat blisters. Definitely not the "good old days" that I hear about from the older guys.

    Josh- I agree. This guys seems funny in retrospect, but I wouldn't want my kids on the lake at the same time he was cruising around. My job makes me want to wrap my kids in bubble wrap and keep them in the basement.

    Thanks for reading everyone- you made my day.

  10. Wow, this guy is exactly why pot gets a negative stereotype. I blame the alcohol. ;0)

    It was a pretty funny read though.

  11. Hey LOAH- I added you to my blogroll. Thanks for all the comments.

  12. If we could bottle those a-holes and then uncork the bottle when another a-hole starts up they would probably make sense to each other. Just a thought. Great post!

  13. Thanks, FC. I've done the same.

  14. This was a riot to read!! Quite scary though that people do these types of things out on the water and think it's a good idea.

    Love your blog :)