Darth Warden

It is evident that I suck at pretending. I can handle playing store with Chatterbox or pretending that Towhead is a dog so he can fetch stuffed animals...but when it comes to game warden training, I will never win an Oscar. Unfortunately "scenario training" is a big portion of any career in law enforcement. Whether you are a city cop, a state trooper, or a conservation officer, there will surely come a time when you will have to put on your uniform and "play cops and robbers" with the boys.

There are a few problems with scenario training...namely that the scenarios that trainers come up with are never like real life. The most recent training scenario I took part in was at our statewide training session.

At first I was encouraged because we were told to pick a partner. Usually we have to do scenarios alone while everyone watches (and heckles). Being one of the lone females, I usually have to secure a partner before it is necessary, so I'm not left standing there like the last kid picked in gym class. Luckily I thought ahead and had already my neighboring officer, Smithy, to be my partner in case we should ever need one during our training weekend.Smithy and I get along well out in the field, and I work with him quite often, so I figured the scenario would be a piece of cake--I would just make him do all the talking.

When it was our turn, we went to the training area (located behind a truck that was hooked up to a big camper) to get the instructions from the trainers. That is when things went downhill.

It was raining, so all of us (the three bad guys-which were actually other game wardens, Smithy and myself) were wearing our raingear. All of our raingear is state-issued, and therefore, identical. Mossy Oak Camo pattern. I knew that it wasn't going to go well as soon as they started strapping knee pads, elbow pads, and a Darth Vader mask, and helmet on all of us, including the bad guys.

Here were our instructions: You have just arrived at a deer camp. If you go outside the cones you are out of bounds. Just do what you would normally do. That's it.

Then they took away our real guns and gave us "Air soft" guns, which are basically paint guns that hurt when you get hit.

My first mistake was not looking for the cones before starting the scenario. I was too busy arguing with Smithy about who was going to be the primary officer (the one who has to talk) and who was going to be the secondary (the one who stands there and makes fun of the one who talks).

I lost the argument.

When you go into a deer camp wearing elbow and knee pads, a facemask and helmet, you have to fight the urge to pull your gun in the holster. It just seems like something bad might happen when you are surrounded by four big guys dressed in identical camo who look like they are about to de-fuse a bomb. BUT, you are supposed to "do what you would normally do." Normally I don't draw down on a group of deer hunters unless they give me a good reason to do so. In real life if they were wearing those outfits, in my book it would qualify as a good reason.

So, Smithy and I stepped from our trucks and walked into the camp. While the bad guys and I were in the midst of our fake conversation, I found an untagged deer and Smithy found a loaded rifle leaning against a tree. Smithy ordered them to move away from the rifle so he could walk over and get it unloaded. I thought that we were in the clear...obviously the point of the scenario must have been that you needed to find the weapon and clear it. I was wrong.

After the gun was unloaded, I asked to see their deer tags. Bad Hunter 1 displayed his license, Bad Hunter 2, who was sitting by the campfire cleaning under his fingernails with a machete, said his license was inside the camper. Smithy, being the observant officer he is, noticed the machete and told him to put the knife down. Bad Hunter 2 didn't want to put the knife down. Smithy gave him the order again. This time Bad Hunter 2 made a run for the camper.

As Bad Hunter 2 ran for the camper, I started running for cover. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bad Hunter 2 grab a rifle from inside the camper. I screamed "GUN!!" at Smithy, and Smithy made a dive for the other end of the camper. This wasn't good. Now, in order to shoot Bad Hunter 2, Smithy and I would be firing towards each other. On top of that, I wasn't sure if I was out of bounds. I stood there trying to ask the trainer if I was still playing by the rules, all the while taking fire from Bad Hunters 1 and 3 who must have pulled handguns out from inside their raingear.

As I felt myself getting pelted with bullets, I fired back at Bad Hunter 3. Finally Bad Hunter 3 fell to the ground and pretended to be dead. Still the trainer wouldn't answer my question about the cones. I guessed that meant that I must not be out of bounds.

Meanwhile, one of the trainers started yelling at me, "Can that rifle shoot through the camper?" Umm..yeah. Just as I was about to run for cover, someone came up behind me. I drew my gun and pointed it at the man clad in camo wearing the Darth Vader mask. He raised his gun in response. Just as I was about to pull the trigger, I  realized it was Smithy. Luckily I didn't shoot him.

The trainers blew the whistle and the scenario ended.

We were gathering around for a debriefing when one of the trainers asked me if I was ok.

"Yeah, why?"

"Look at your hand," he said.

I looked down and saw that blood was gushing out of my finger and running down my hand. It was swelling up rapidly and looked nasty, covered in the tell tale blue ink of my partner's gun.

Smithy was standing off to the side of the group looking like a dog who had just peed on the carpet.

"Sorry," he said, "I didn't know it was you. I can't believe I shot my partner."

He will never live this down.

Educated by a Dog: 25 Lessons I learned from the life of my K9 partner

About a month ago I had to put my partner down. She was a 12 year old lab/Chesapeake mix. She rode along on patrol with me for her entire life. She lived to go to work. Though she wasn't trained to sniff drugs, she sniffed her share of birds, entertained me, was an extra set of eyes and ears, and was my constant partner and friend. She developed a massive tumor on her spleen and I had to make a decision for my partner. Her collar hangs from my rearview mirror of my squad now and the truck is a much lonelier place. Out of habit, I still say, "Stay" every time I get out of my truck. Here is a list of 25 things I learned from her life:

25. Don't let anyone lead you down a path you don't want to take. Dig in your heels, put your head down, and charge forward in your own direction.

24. Be tolerant of children...to a point.

23. Give strangers the benefit of the doubt. Greet everyone with an enthusiastic smile and a kiss until they give you reason not to.

22. Baby bunnies are fun playmates...until they stop squealing.

21. There is more to a walk than walking. Go out of your way to splash through puddles, get your tongue tickled by cicadas, and do somersaults in the grass.

20. Quit worrying about whether you wll be able to stand up unassisted tomorrow and climb the hill right now- there might be something good up there. If not, it is still better than staying at the bottom.

19. Don't ask what lives in that hole. Stick your head in, take a good whiff, and start digging. Curiosity only kills cats.

18. Just because everyone else fetches on command does not mean that you have to. You are an individual-think for yourself. But it isn't a bad idea to humor them now and then.

17. One animal's waste is another's perfume (or snack). Re-purpose.

16. When it comes to dropped food, the five second rule applies. So does the two week rule.

15. Halitosis is in the nose of the beholder. My people love me just the way I am.

14. Lively conversation is not a requirement of a good friendship. A silent shadow can be more comfort than a thousand words.

13. No matter what anyone tells you to the contrary, there is no fun to be had at the doctor.

12. Don't be self-conscious. When you are happy, run like you have a worm in your brain; when you are sad, put your head down and sit quietly until someone notices; if you have an itch, scratch it; if something needs to be cleaned, lick it.

11. Forgive and forget. Quickly.

10. Love your work. At least appreciate going for a ride and watching the world go by.

9. Chasing birds in a dream can be just as much fun as chasing birds while awake. Use your imagination.

8. Performing tricks for treats is just silly. Stare at them until they give you one.

7. Don't waste a good snow day.

6. You only get one chance at this life, so live it for all it is worth...unless you are really sleepy, in which case a nap is good too.

5. Don't let a few gray hairs get your down. They indicate you have reached alpha status and no longer need to listen.

4. Macaroni and cheese, doughnuts, and bacon are always worth the resulting stomachache. Just remember that consuming carpet, Elmo underwear, and blankets won't make it feel better.

3. Christmas songs by Alvin and the Chipmunks reach unnatural and confusing decibels. They should be banned from the radio.

2. Be there for your friend. Always.

1. Leave your mark wherever you go. Make people glad to have known you.

10 Things I Secretly Enjoy Saying to Violators

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather nobody poach, or drive off road at a wildlife area, litter or drive a boat while drunk...BUT if I catch someone sometimes I secretly take pleasure in saying:

1. That's good, because I don't think I want you to come back to this state to hunt either.
2. That's funny, because I've been watching you for a half hour and that isn't what I saw.
3. Well, if you are a cop that means you probably should have known better.

4. You might have wanted to think about the fact that it is a two-wheel drive before you left the road. Now I have to impound it.
5. I personally don't think it was a good idea to dump your garbage out here...especially since it contained some x-rated photos of you. That isn't your wife is it?
6. Are you sure that is the story you want to go with?
7. See that? That is a camera. You are on it.
8. I've been called worse.
9. How many is "a couple"?
10. Sorry Sir, that was a decoy you just shot.

Time to Get Off the Water!

Glad we got the patrol boat off the water before this one hit...and glad I had the camera!